Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Gah.

Why do I think it's worth it?  When I work, he sleeps.  When I'm off, he works.  When he's off, I sleep.  I get once in a while, random stories or thoughts with which to learn who he really is.

I want more.  I get frustrated and sad when I don't see him, hear his voice, smell him.  I feel like it's one sided, I wonder if I'm making a mistake, if I'm wasting my time.  I worry that when I get a little sappy, he's going to get annoyed, for the simple fact that he's not like that, and doesn't return those words.

On our first date I met his dad.  I got jelly beans I'd been talking about for weeks snatched from my hand and bought for me on our first date (at Walmart)  :P  I got "See?!  She's fucking perfect for me!" yelled in front of his friends, also on our first date, playing darts with his friends, because I used "keeping my spirits up!" as a reason why a silly keychain I carry would be useful during the zombie apocalypse.  I get repeated claims of, "I'm sorry... I'm talking a lot... I don't talk to anyone like this...  feel special"  :P  I post on Facebook that same night that I do feel special, and he says, "With reason."

On our second date, I got compliments on how I looked.  I watched as he said I love you as he left to his dad, and how his dad said something else to him, they conversed again for a few moments, and he said I love you again.  As though it HAD to be the last thing he said before he left.  It was heart melting.  I got laughs and fun at the movies.  Met his mom.  And tons more talking.  I can listen to him talk for hours.  It's soothing, but makes me laugh, and incredibly sexy, all at the same time.  He apologizes for talking a lot for like the 9th time, and something in me snaps.  I dive across the car to cling to him for a second, kiss the side of his head, and say, "Stop apologizing.  I like listening to you."  And when I leave, I stop, turn around and go back to him to kiss him.  Because the silly boy didn't kiss me.  :P

Our third date, he took me to meet an old college friend.  Lots of talking on the ride, lots of laughs with his friend, lots of me sitting quietly marveling at how many times, in such a short amount of time, he's shared his life with me.

Our 4th date was to see one of my favorite bands, and with my friends.  He never once let their jesting get to him.  He cracked up with me as they mooned us from the other car, he took the questioning from my guy friends like a champ, and by the end, it was like one big group of people, he didn't seem like an outsider at all.

I've only gotten to see him 4 times in the last 10 weeks.  I get frustrated, I get angry at the world, at life, for keeping us apart.  I forget what it's like being with him.

But in between I get silly stories.  I get asked how my days are.  I get told, "I'm happy that you EXIST, let alone that you dig me!"  I get little bits of thoughts from a man who is just happy that I'm here.

I need to find a way to be content with what I get.  Because this man is wonderful.  Rolls with the punches, gets right back up and figures out another way to take care of the important things.  Takes care of his family and values that above all else.  Life is throwing BOTH of us curveballs and reasons why we can't see each other.  Distance is the biggest factor.  Distance?  I'm mad about distance?  he could be 500 miles away, not 50.  Why am I complaining?

I am falling for a man who will probably rarely bring me flowers, or tell me he misses me, or say stupid sappy shit.  But in the end... I EXIST and that makes him happy?  I'd rather be allowed the chance to make him happy by being there, but I need to remember that at a base level, he is content that I am me, and that I am here.

I know once a while ago I sent him the link to this blog, and lord knows if he reads it.  So if you do, babe, I'm sorry that I freak out and whine about not seeing you.  I just happen to find you so fascinating and enjoyable to be around, it causes me to act like a two year old.  When there are so many people who have it so much worse.  Longer distances, military spouses, or worse, as you said to me, "Most people go their whole lives without meetin someone that really gets em."  I'm going to really try to savor what I do get and not complain about it.

And if you don't, then someday I'll make you read this, and hopefully it'll be while together, laughing about how epic the distance once seemed.

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