Wanna hug me?

I've noticed, lately, that there is an extreme lack of physical contact in my life. Being on the road so much, you don't see many people you know well enough to touch. And in talking with a friend tonight, it really dawned on me how much I miss that. You don't really realize how much you miss physical contact, until you don't have it. And I'm not talking anything intimate. Just a hug, an arm around you, a touch to the shoulder as you're talking. Sadly, I go without that so much that I'm noticing I am very hyper aware of when it DOES happen, and I get somewhat weirded out by it.

My confession for the day? I really would just like to cuddle on the couch with someone and watch a movie. That's all. Just to feel cared for. I know there are tons of people who do care, I have such a kick ass group of friends and family, but just would be nice to lay on someone's chest and feel like, for a little while, I am NOT the one in charge of everything.

Interesting, how I left my husband, in part because I was tired of being mommy, of being the strong one all the time, of being in charge of everything, and yet in doing so, resigned myself to a life of... the same.

Seriously?

Why is it hardest to take your own advice?

And why is it when you already KNOW your problem, it's still hard to man up and fix it?

I feel somewhat discombobulated lately. My heads in a weird place, and I've been ultra crabby the last few days. I feel bad for my roommates, who have to deal with me. I don't think I'm a particularly pleasant person to be around. I also feel bad for the new guy at work that I'm trying to help train - I think I've been snapping at him a bit too much.

I just can't shake this feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I can't pinpoint where it's coming from, and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm driving myself nuts.

Would isolating myself alone in my room for a few days be a bit excessive?

Time to say goodbye....

I'm rather contemplative lately, but more at peace than I have been in a long time. I've noticed in the last few weeks that something's changed within me, and I really am a much happier, and calm, person. I just wish I could pinpoint what it was.

Actually, I can pinpoint it. It was the weekend when I finally got to just be ME. I wasn't the girl about to get divorced, I wasn't the sounding board for pointless drama. I got to be me, enjoy myself and my company, and have some fun adventures, and start to remember who I was before I dropped it all to become caretaker, accountant, cook and maid.

Since then, I've been making time to see people I haven't seen in a long time, and trying to work on bringing out that good side of me. I'm not perfect, I never will be, and I will always have my days. But for the first time, in a LONG time, I am absolutely sure that I'm going to be alright.

So, time to say goodbye to the old, boring, sad, me. And hello to the me that's been hiding in there all along.

In other news... Halloween is coming up quick. I LOVE this time of year. I've got a bunch of fun fall plans lined up, and I can't wait!

Just have to say...

I am glad to be home. :)

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Halloween costumes, and the art of building a taco.

I used to love Halloween.

Then I started working in the haunt industry.

Don't get me wrong, I still love it. I love the weather that fall brings, I love the idea (though this doesn't ring quite as true anymore) that you could wander around your neighborhood, getting free candy yes, but more than that, socializing with your neighbors. I love caramel apples. I really love caramel apples. (Did I mention, I LOVE caramel apples??)

What I DON'T love is the unoriginality, these days. What happened to making your own costume? What happened to creativity, as opposed to seeing how much skin you can legally show? I think that's part of what I loved about working a haunt. You made your costume (or pulled it from a pile of dirty, smelly, hand me down costumes... yeah, TOTALLY made mine....), you made your character, you took pride in what you were doing. What happened to all that?

Now, being the hypocrite I am, if I need to do any dressing up this year, yep, I'll either wear a costume I already have, or go buy one. But I think I'm more thinking in terms of kids... when did we stop encouraging creativity? I mean, really. Does everything have to be so pre-packaged??

That's my rant of the day.

On the flip side... I got tacos for dinner today, and can someone please explain to me why Taco Bell insists upon putting the cheese on TOP of the lettuce? I dunno about you, but I prefer my cheese a bit melty, on my tacos.

That's my pointless bitching, for today.

Now, time to pack, as I will be HOME IN 23 HOURS. Not that I'm counting or anything.

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10 Days and Counting....

I love my job. I get to travel, I see new places, meet a lot of interesting people... but at day #10 on the road, it can get a bit frustrating.

Living out of a suitcase makes you feel very disconnected from the world... almost like you have no home. I feel like sometimes, while I'm on the road, I call/text my friends almost too often... but I feel a bit lost without that. I know what I have waiting for me at home, but still, when you wake up every morning and select your clothes from a possible 4 choices, do laundry in a hotel laundry room, run out of an item and have to make a big trip to replace it, it's frustrating. I spend a lot of time alone - a LOT, and while most of the time I like it, sometimes, it's a bad opportunity for TOO MUCH thinking, too much time to over-analyze things. (And lord knows, I do enough of this already.)

So when I whine and complain about work, get frustrated, freak out over things that I normally wouldn't, remember, not only am I having a bad day, but I'm doing it 800 miles away from anyone who loves me. There is no option for me to just call a friend and meet for coffee to vent, get a hug, have a laugh. And just KNOWING that fact off the bat seems to amplify my panic. There's been some concern expressed lately that maybe I'm losing it a bit too much, but honestly, if this crap would happen while I was close to home, I don't know that it would be so bad. I am very much a social creature, and while I might be a bit closed off at times about sharing my feelings, just being AROUND my friends when I've got something on my mind fixes it for me.

That being said... I miss y'all, terribly. And my cats. And home-cooked meals. Home in 36 hours. THANK GOODNESS!

It was a bad day.....

Without going into detail, today was just BAD. Not only did things go wrong, and plans get changed (and not for the better), but I seriously let it get to me hardcore, and started to freak out majorly. I really think it might be time to sit back and take stock of what's important. As usual, I am taking on WAAAAAY too much, and wondering why I start to lose my mind. And sadly, it takes a friend pointing this fact out for me to really consider my own sanity and well being, over worrying about work, or people who don't deserve to be worried over.

How do I find the right balance between being a good person, taking care of things that fall on my shoulders, and still stay true to me, take care of me? That's what I'm trying to figure out.

On a more positive note, I've become involved in a new project that makes me extremely happy, and involves some of my favorite things. But, what it actually IS will have to stay quiet for now. All I can say is, it's RIGHT up my alley.

Also, I'm seriously craving a dang cupcake.

Subscribing to my blog would be a good idea. Just sayin.

Today's thoughts.... (subscribing to http://jamieleigh80.blogspot.com would benefit you. Just sayin.)

Being a girl sucks ass. Without going into detail, lets just say that I've spent some time today doing girl maintenance, and I realized that if you menfolk weren't so picky about some stuff... I wouldn't have spent a couple of hours primping myself into an acceptable level. Just saying.

I'm pretty sure New Jersey is just about the smelliest state in the country.

Dinner always tastes better when it is delivered, and not cooked by me. It could be a can of Chef Boyardee, but if you throw it in a takeout container, and hand it to me at my hotel room door, I am in heaven.

What? I never promised these were DEEP thoughts. It's my blog... I'll be petty and vapid if I want to.

I'd like to share the state of my brain.

Some things on my mind.

What does it say about me, that when someone does their best to hurt me, using things near and dear to me, that I have such a hard time walking away, instead, I still try to find a good person inside of them. When really, at some point, it's time to wash my hands of the whole thing. I have almost wholly let it go, I can only take so much mental abuse before I just say, "So long...", but at the same time I question how someone I thought I knew so well could act in such a manner. I question how I made the choice to give this person so much of my life, to have it treated like it never mattered at all...

But you know what? That's ok. Because I've learned from it. I know I need to keep from becoming bitter, or taking it out on other people, but the truth is that, at least from now on, I will be a bit more cautious in the types of things I put up with, from people. Life is too short to spend it trying to make everyone else happy. It's my time to make myself happy, and I'm doing just that, regardless of what anyone else thinks about it. Only I know what I truly want (and even then, I'm not always sure), and only I can bring it to light, and make it happen.

So, I have no room, no time, and no patience for the drama, lies, rumors, and generally hurtful behavior I've experienced as of late. If you want to stick around, then... you have to learn to either word what you say very carefully, or better yet, do like one of my best friends, and be an adult, and stay impartial. (Love you Sandy!)

I also know that there are some spies out there, that things get passed along when they shouldn't be. Well, I'm going to give you a message to pass along. Ready? Write this one down word for word, and deliver it with much gusto...

YOU CANNOT HURT ME ANYMORE! :) Good luck trying.

A clean slate...

I'm moving to this new blog, from the old blog, http://babyoliverblog.blogspot.com

Let's face it, that blog consisted of memories that, while I am glad they happened, in some ways, day to day posting becomes hard in a place where I once discussed whether or not I could feel kicks, and then losing her. So, I won't be deleting it, it's a record of the events that have made me who I am, but my posts, I think, need to be in a new, fresh place. I'm not expecting a baby any longer, nor anytime soon, and I don't expect to be an Oliver for very much longer, either.

I'm hoping that some of you reading this are my subscribers from the old blog, please, subscribe to this one too. I think, if you made it through the last 2 and a half years of my crying there, you'll enjoy me as a bit more positive blogger here.

Rambling will commence shortly.